In our previous post we visited Netherland, the island of our childhood, and we talked about the process of maturing in the wake of two so-called syndromes that, without a doubt, complement each other: the Peter Pan syndrome and the Wendy syndrome. The first is basically associated with a pattern of immaturity: someone who, for various reasons, refuses to grow on the inside in accordance with how he grows outside thus dissociating himself from his responsibilities and remaining dependent indefinitely. He is a child who refuses to adapt to the inexorable passage of time. The second is associated with a strategy to obtain validation (love, recognition, attention, a place) based solely on meeting the needs of others: “I need you to need me, because when I feel that you need me and that I am useful, life makes sense and I receive the love that I deserve.”
Naturally, as always in psychology, all of this is very relative and we should only use these diagnostic labels (which are not officially recognized) when the cases are clear, unequivocal and extreme. At the end of the day, we all have an immature part inside of us that avoids taking responsibility and prefers others to respond for it. This part of us wants only comfort and rights but never obligations, suffering, or accountability. All of us have that Peter Pan seed inside and it is perfectly healthy. However, we must turn on an alarm when the Peter Pan part takes over our adult part because it can cause problems. We can’t always be children in front of our children, in front of our coworkers, when we make a purchase or when we take the subway, etc. Being in this world and coexisting with others requires a reasonable degree of autonomy and tolerance of discomfort according to our age. This is how maturity develops and we should not confuse it with living our life in our own way.
The same goes for what we will call “our Wendy part”. Now remember, doing things for others, taking care of them, dealing with them, solving problems or needing their love is not bad. What kind of place would the world be if we did not do all this? What kind of humans would we be if we did not need to be cared for and validated by others to develop adequate mental health? The problem appears when caring for others or solving life becomes a necessity for us and a source of dependence for them. We all need to help each other out, and only then we can get ahead without destroying ourselves. But, that doesn’t mean that we feed our legitimate need for love by preventing others from growing or by indirectly forcing them to need us therefore reproaching them for their inevitable impulses of autonomy. And the truth is, even if it’s better to hide it, the Wendy that we have inside of us also has to mature.
“I have never met anyone whose greatest need is not love,” said the renowned psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. This is pure psychology. But beware, the means to satisfy that need can result in problems towards our mental health.
Maturing is not easy. Neither is discovering the balance between childhood wonder and adult responsibility. If you’ve recognized some of the patterns that we have described or you think you need help in refining your Peter Pan part or your Wendy part, it can be very useful to consult with a professional. Psychologists can accompany you in this process.
